138 posts tagged “photography”

shadows
cool
dark
aloof
comforting
reducing objects to simple shapes
flowers fences and people
just a plain flat shape
no complications, easy
shadows are not harmed by being stomped upon
they remain the same ambiguous shape
most visible upon sunshiny days
the yin to the suns yang
balance
the sun is hiding this morning
my shadows are gone
my many forms
I walk along the sidewalk
my own shadows merge
I am the flowers
I am the leaves
I am the fence
I am the pole
I am the sign
I am the person

the top photo capture how she must feel right now. Poor thing is carrying more than she should have to.
The weather has been sunny and warm
I have so much to do, there is the mush brain thing.

1.print 16 model release forms for the friend who is helping shoot SIL's wedding, make sure all are signed for her.
2. print off photos for class tonight illustrating the change of aperture (sherry? Did you get your homework done?)
3. go to the store to pick up black ink for the printer
4. continue epic battle against the evil and slightly damp dirty laundry monster, I gave it a few huge blows yesterday, lets see how well it survives today!
5. put together the portrait I took of BIL and SIL for the reception hall

negative -
1. the situation with the girl is still in serious limbo
2. both are being such stubborn bitches
3. anxiety attacks are happening
4. I bruised my heel doing something stupid today, I was perching myself on a large rock waiting for the girl to come out of class so we could go have lunch, I slipped and smacked heel on rock trying not to fall all the way off.
5. I have a feeling that the girl I fired from the photography gig for SIL's wedding is in my photography class, Wednesday might be awkward

positive +
1. the sun is shining and it is warm and beautiful outside
2. after this weekend the wedding will be over
3. I have class tomorrow and get to see friend in class there, see what she has been up to
4. husband and I went for a nice early morning bike ride on Sunday
5. I took bunches of really nice portraits of the girl while she was here yesterday, she will be back here in about an hour. I need to get housework done. she kind of breaks up my day weird
6. I lost another pound of flubber
7. I am craving nasty food less and less
9. I feel like I have pulled myself out of my heavy mood, I am feeling much lighter and I know after the wedding I will feel Bunches lighter still
10. My sister had her gall bladder removed on friday and all went well, but I am unsure of how to spell gall, or is it gull, that is the bird right? Well she did not have a bird removed from her. You get it right?
11. I have kept the rooms that I cleaned last week clean, for the most part.

I am feeling the knots form under my flesh
lumps and bumps that are tender and twitching
stiff, tight, tough, muscles
they are holding the stress I am feeling,
they remember how this feels
they are undoing the past two years of unwinding
my shoulders and neck tend to have great memories for pain
the muscles around my rib cage are less flexible
making breathing deep impossible
my poor tender heart is starting to race for two or three beats at a time
anxiety is taking over my physical body
I have worked so hard to battle this beast
it has more power when I try to take control of things I cannot possibly change
when something alters my life that I did not plan for
there is this tight, painful, monster here to eat me alive
first my body becomes tough as metal
then wraps itself around and around into knots
there my heart goes again, three quick tight fast pumps
I see my path, I need to keep on
I don't know where it goes,
but I need to feel okay with that
I need to make lists of lists I need to make
get all these random thoughts that I hope I do not forget on paper
so I can feel okay with letting them go
1-I need a walk with my camera
2-I need a massage or something to let these muscles stand down
3-I need to really let go of the things I cannot control
4-I need to feel the randomness that is life
5-I need to practice walking in dress shoes
6-I need silence
7-I need to find things that make me smile
8-I need deep long slow heavy breaths
9-I need to dance
10-I need to feel the warm sun give me a giant hug
11-I need to live, not just survive
12-I need to find comfort within chaos
13-I need a cupcake

Where do I fucking begin......
I will create a list of things. Not getting into too much detail because it is so complicated.
1. Teenage niece is staying with us for a few days off and on, she has found herself homeless.
2. just talked to SIL about her daughters situation
3. It is always easier to see the answers when you are not living them
4. I am SOOOOO glad Mr. Lavender and I have used birth control and have gone to extreme measures to not have children (vasectomy)
5. teen aged niece is in summer school so I get to actually sit here at my own computer and listen to music quietly (Thank you Frames) and make a list of thoughts
6. feeling heavy and dealing with the fact that I cannot fix anything, so I will not try. I will save myself a lot of energy that way.
7. feeling a bit lighter after writing #6
((((deep breath in and exhale outtttttttttttt))))
8. I have so much housework to do, but I am halfway done
9. did I mention I am SO ecstatic I am child free? I did? Well it bears mentioning again, really, I am 35 and have no regrets about not starting a family, never really wanted them. I am great with kids, but in short spurts. I would fuck one up no doubt.
10. It is supposed to be self portrait thursday and I have not done one in so long, but I do not have energy enough to do it now. Maybe next week.
11. oh the Frames CD ended, I will pop in Richard Buckner, I heard one of his songs on the radio yesterday and had a craving
12. I need to buy a reflector, a memory card or two, a large print of SIL and BIL for the wedding, and do you suppose they would have the chipboard to mount the photo on so that everyone can sign around the photo at the reception? I will do this saturday.


To do today (yes waterbaby, laundry will be there)
1. Dining room table and desk cleaned (half way done)
2. put laundry away, I have so much to put away!
that is it. But if you saw my piles of laundry and piles of stuff on my dining room table you would realize this is an all day affair. Only a few hours til the girl gets back from school so I better bust some ass.

I have been feeling better day by day. I know I just need to pull myself out of commission for a bit. But the Wedding, I have bunches planned for that, I mean you only get married once Right? I want this day to be special for SIL. My day was for me. I am just trying to make sure she has that same experience too. She deserves that. ;-) So there is that, I am a little worried about it, but mostly a joyful job. I don't really mind trying to give her the best.    
but... there is more...
I am kind of sucked back into the strange world of the other SIL and her teen aged daughter. You see, my SIL kicked her out to live with her father. A father who has not really spoke to her for the last 7 years even though he lives in the same town. So she left her fathers place due to problems with step mother and step sibling. SIL still will not let her back. So teen aged niece is kind of homeless. She is crashing here for a night or two, she has summer school during the day. sigh...
Yesterday she told me that she will be here at 12:30 because that is when class is over, but she called this morning to tell me she will not be here until 4:30 because of a certain class that has popped up. Um... she has Never been very good at lying. She is probably not even at school today, but you know what?
Not my responsibility. Her parents are dropping the ball with her, it is not my job to do it for them. She needs a place to sleep and food to eat, fine. But if she fails to show up for these, I will not worry myself sick. She is not my responsibility.

For some these words may seem cold. For others you will be proud of me for not making it my job. I am proud of me for not stressing out about all this. They are making their own choices, they are wrong ones, but not my job to fix. I am Growing! ;-) Yay! Haha! I am just worried about getting too close, I am worried about getting sucked into the drama. I am trying really hard to not give away all of my rescorces and not having enough for me and my own husband. I feel stronger this time, but I also feel the pull of the undertow.

So sorry I have been in such a funk lately.
I have been trying to pull myself in a bit because I seem to spread myself so thin at times that I never get anything done, I get so overwhelmed. I am a baby steps kind of gal, I need to stop telling myself all or nothing. You would think I would have learned by now. ;-)
So my list today is
THINGS I HAVE NEGLECTED:
1. me
2. Mr. Lavender
3. housework (laundry...GRRRRR!)
4. photography
5. my health

THINGS I MANAGED TO GET DONE
1. making sure there was clean underwear
2. making sure there are clean towels
3. Clean sheets
4. cleaning at least one load of dishes each day
5. taking about 100 portraits of BIL and SIL for the wedding slideshow, I will post a few another day.
6. take naps
7. clean the entire kitchen yesterday
8. shower
9. created a household budget ( we have been spreading ourselves a tad too thin, ooops)


Things I will do today
1. re clean the kitchen (sweep, mop, put dishes away)
2. clean bathroom top to bottom
3. empty litterboxes (three cats fill these up pretty quickly)
4. put all dirty laundry in the laundry room
5. put away the clothing on the wooden chest in front of the bed (it is dangerously piled high, about 4-5 loads there, cannot see the door from where I lay)
 and if there is time....
6. find the photos Lucy has bookmarked and add them to the poetry book album on my computer, and print them out, stick them to the appropriate poems. (this does not seem like a chore, it is fun, but I tend to lose track of time when I get into this and then all of a sudden it is time to make dinner and the dishes are still dirty!)

Here is a bit of Wedding Drama, because you cannot have a wedding without a bit of drama.
For some who may not know, my SIL (husbands little sister) is getting married on the 19th, which happens to be Me and Mr. Lavender's 11 year wedding anniversary. I have been trying to do what I can to help her out, I still remember the stress of planning a wedding and my step mom did the majority of the work too! I remember the point where Vegas sounded SO good! My SIL has found that point.
So she has booked a fresh little 20 year old gal who is still in photography school to do the wedding. She figured that the quality may not be too great, but the cost would be low. The photographer and SIL agreed on a price (little Photo student has no more equiptment than me) But she wanted to pad her portfolio, blah blah blah. That was all agreed three months ago. So SIL called yesterday to touch base with her and the photographer girl decided to charge 3 times more than what they agreed upon. What? She does not have the equiptment, she does not have the experience, but she wants to be paid professional prices, and springs this on poor SIL 12 days before the wedding! Really! I have a friend from photography class who wanted to pad her own portfolio, as she wants to start a portrait business. She is really quite good and I believe she can do it. I invited her along for the experience and SIL did not mind having a few more free photos. So I told SIL not to worry If I have to do the photos myself, she will have them! She is going to fire this little girl who wanted pro prices and now she is going to depend on me. EEEK!!! Wish me LUCK!!!
 

Loathes:
1. my face is SO broken out right now, I have been SO stressed out and been throwing all sorts of garbage down my throat and it is that time.
2. the enormous piles of laundry, not even dirty, clean ones that I put off and put off folding and hanging and putting away, I know I created this problem, but It is on my list
3. We got something very strange in the mail yesterday, seems like someone is applying for a loan to buy my house, only thing is, it is not for sale. It was sent to us by accident. Speaking of accident, we were in one about three years ago and have not heard whether that had been settled or anything, it was our fault, and the other person was asking for SO much money and I will say It was not that bad, really. Well, it is the same last name as on the loan for our house. We thought that he was going to try and take our house! We called this morning and that suit was settled last March. Phew!!! Now I need to find out why someone is trying to get a loan for our house.

LOVES
1. Color
2. that it has cooled down a bit
3. The new Mates Of State album that was gifted to me recently, Thank You!
4. the fresh strawberries we bought at the farmers market, they literally melt in your mouth!
5. The sense of community I have here. Thanks!
6. I am meeting with A gal from Photography class tomorrow, that should be Fun!
7. 4th of July is on Friday and Husband gets three day weekend! Yay!
8. My FAVORITE show is back on for the Summer! History Detectives!!! Oh my goodness! The first story made me Cry! A WWII diary of a man has been kept by a family, but it was not their own family, it was another man who served with the family member. They always wondered why the diary just stopped, whatever happened to the man who kept it. So they call in the histpory detectives who found out the answer along with bunches of history about this time period! Turns out Kamikazi pilots had a better rate of survival that the US airmen flying a certain type of plane they called the flying coffin.  Also a story about Annie Oakley, the family has a coin that was said to be shot by her, also a book dating from the 1850's about abeing a wife in the Mormon religion (which was a not very nice book)
It is History told through objects, this show is AWESOME!! I love it!
9. I feel more helpful than helpless now. More powerful that powerless. I am finding a fine balance there.


Enjoy the day my Friends! Go Out and Find some beauty today! It hides everywhere, I promise.