3 posts from November 2009

yuck:
1. did not go grocery shopping last night so I have empty cupboards and fridge, it will be a scavenger hunt for lunch

2. so many piles of laundry to wash

3. kittys have fleas

4. tummy not feeling awesome

5. not a lot of sleep last night

YAY!!!
1. I listened to raindrops hit my windows and roof all night long

2. squirrels leaping across my fence

3. coffee

4. rain

5. big soft ugly sweatshirts

6. ideas for a rainy photoshoot

7. Mr. L laughing at my goofiness

8. weekend plans

9. thursday I do a maternity photoshoot, and I have lights now

10. fire in the fireplace

My To Do List for today:
1. dishes
2. two loads of laundry
3. make laundry soap (have to do that today, I dont have much left!)
4. have fun in the rain
5. research maternity sho

I am feeling lighter today, that is good. My mood is brighter and I feel a little bit of energy glowing deep inside. The sun is out, I think today I will actually get dressed.

Today I will:
walk around town
take pictures
get dishes cleaned
wash some laundry
make a grocery list
breathe

I bought some studio type lights today. I should get them next week. They are not the best out there, but they were the best I could afford. I have some portraits coming up:
1. engagement portraits for sisters sister in law
2. maternity shoot
3. Mr. L's cousins Family (actually 5 families in one)
4. my own family
5. wedding in april

I need the practice. I am excited to possibly start making a few bucks with this hobby. It will take a while before a profit is made since I am still investing in equipment and still not real good at the portraits yet.

My cousin is opening her own salon and wants some of my photos as display (and to sell). I am slowly putting myself out there. That is tough for me. I hate promoting myself, I feel like it makes me sound cocky. Need to get over that.

Today's grateful things:
1. I did something silly today and it made Mr. L laugh and smile all the way to the car when he left for work. That made me feel giddy.
2. the sunshine, it is supposed to be 64 today! Nice!
3. It does not feel like such a strain to smile today, the last few weeks my cheeks felt like they were weights and it makes it so hard to smile.
4. the colors of autumn
5. miss Luna who woke me with her little dance on my shoulder and sweet little mews

Yesterday after I wrote the letter I felt a little bit better, but still heavy and sad. I am feeling so emotional lately. I have been feeling bitter, lethargic, angry, heavy, cranky, sad... you know all the text book feelings that come along with a nice bout of depression. It does help to know that I can't really just decide to not be depressed, it is just a wacky imbalance of chemicals in my brain. That bit helps me to not just indulge the sadness. I just keep plugging away. Anyway, The sun was shining so I forced myself to get dressed and go out for a walk. I strapped Pearl around my neck and locked the front door.

I looked down one side of the sidewalk, then down the other, and went where there were leaves to be crunched under my feet. This was how I made all my direction choices all through town. My head was swirling with what I should have said, if it would have even be heard, thinking of hurtful things said and done. I was not in an awesome place, but I was working it out in my head like I try to do. Talking about it out loud seems to inflame it more, to write about it and ponder it feels safer. I feel like it does not give it the power it needs, it stays quiet and manageable.

Crunching tiny yellow japanese maple eaves under my shoes I noticed someone already had thanksgiving decorations up on the house. One large sign read "Count Your Blessings!" with a very goofy turkey staring me in the eye. I thought "okay Turkey, I will try and switch my train of thought, because I DO have plenty of blessings to count". As I walked another festive home had a thanksgiving flag that read "Be Thankful". By this time my thoughts had grown dark again. I was feeling lonely and wanted to only take pictures of solitude and I was finding none. I Began to think of things I was thankful for, instead of the things I was not grateful for. The sky started turning dark, it was going to rain soon. I started back home.

While I walked I thought how I have lost a little bit of my appetite for photography, lost a little bit of my inspiration. Then when I was almost home, my cell rang, it was designer and he was checking on what color scarf and gloves I wanted. I was happy to hear they would be coming soon. Then when I entered my house I sat at the computer with a cup of hot apple cider and read my emails. My cousin is opening a salon and she wants to sell some of my photos there, and also wants them on her walls. ;-) Love when the universe gives me the nudge to keep going. After chatting with cousin on the phone, I decided to just take a gander at a few blogs that make me smile, like ICHC or Cuteoverload and This one, and what should I find but a photo of a tiny book that you are to list your grateful things in. ;-)


I am grateful for:
*sunshine in the fall
*fresh hot apple cider
*soft bath robe
*hot showers
*homemade leftover split pea soup
*Mr. L
*the kittehs and turtle girl
*silence
*reality (when confronted with one who lives in a world that is not true, reality is good)
*laughter
*art
*tuesdays
*colors
*naps
*people who are willing to listen without analyzing
*goats (yes goats)
*apple fritters
*today