For the Ladies and a few curious men
I am a lady, and I get my monthly visits from "aunt Flo" (I may be saying goodbye to the curious men about now.)
As long as I have had my *clears throat* visits, I have used pads. Back in the eighties, my step mother made the choice of pads. They were huge. Like a saddle in between my legs. I would have to wear certain pants to avoid having the extra padding show. I never wore my stretch pants during these days. I was delighted when always came out with the ultra thin pad. DELIGHTED! I could wear any pants I wanted! But stretch pants were not in my pants selection anymore. When my baby sister started getting her visits, I lived a block away, because Mom still bought the giant horse saddle kind. She would come down to my house and discretely grab a brown bag filled with the yellow wrapped squares. Now they have come out with a thinner pad still! I was excited, $2 more, but I had a coupon. I bought a box. As soon as I opened it, I noticed I started feeling a little self conscious, like I should hide the box.
Is my box shocked at my monthly visitor?
Is it sympathizing with PMS sad feelings?
Is it disgusted because it knows I will talk about my visitor online?
Is My Box of pads Gasping at me?
Comments
I am just starting to explore some greener options for this whole affair. I figured out just yesterday that I have had my period 384 times. Yup, 32 years. That is alot of waste in the landfill. My friend in Scotland now uses a Mooncup, and I think we have them here. Cloth pads doesn't thrill me.
Must be a little startling to see this face everytime you go to the bathroom.
&:o)
(And I agree with homebody's take on the sad face!)
its cute...
candy
haha!! that's funny.
It surprises me how many people I'm finding that only use pads. I always used either (depending...) until recently. I rarely use tampons anymore because 'aunt flo' is getting a little too 'anorexic' if you know what I mean. But I can't use Always, too much synthetic stuff. I'm so sensitive to everything now it seems, so I actually prefer the big brick-like cotton ones from seventh generation or whichever. (still disposable) It's all a drag, no matter how you slice it!
AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
- - - -
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
and the have a happy period... that was made up by a Dude! No woman would ever insult us with that slogan.
I'm actually switching to seventh generation now. I used to use always and some other brand, but the chemicals and stuff they use make me uneasy. I wish I were committed enough to the environment to wash my own, but I guess that's where I draw the line. It's miserable enough as it is, without having to worry about extra laundry. The seventh generation kinds I got do have wings.
Anyway, I love your posts. Thanks. :D
sad part of life is when you don't need the always pads anymore, your bladder starts leaking. pfft @ pads forever.