feeling the physical pressures

knot
knot
4 comments
curve
curve
4 comments
I am feeling the knots form under my flesh
lumps and bumps that are tender and twitching
stiff, tight, tough, muscles
they are holding the stress I am feeling,
they remember how this feels
they are undoing the past two years of unwinding
my shoulders and neck tend to have great memories for pain
the muscles around my rib cage are less flexible
making breathing deep impossible
my poor tender heart is starting to race for two or three beats at a time
anxiety is taking over my physical body
I have worked so hard to battle this beast
it has more power when I try to take control of things I cannot possibly change
when something alters my life that I did not plan for
there is this tight, painful, monster here to eat me alive
first my body becomes tough as metal
then wraps itself around and around into knots
there my heart goes again, three quick tight fast pumps
I see my path, I need to keep on
I don't know where it goes,
but I need to feel okay with that
I need to make lists of lists I need to make
get all these random thoughts that I hope I do not forget on paper
so I can feel okay with letting them go
1-I need a walk with my camera
2-I need a massage or something to let these muscles stand down
3-I need to really let go of the things I cannot control
4-I need to feel the randomness that is life
5-I need to practice walking in dress shoes
6-I need silence
7-I need to find things that make me smile
8-I need deep long slow heavy breaths
9-I need to dance
10-I need to feel the warm sun give me a giant hug
11-I need to live, not just survive
12-I need to find comfort within chaos
13-I need a cupcake


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Lara Grauer
You are a beautiful person, and truly an artist. You really do know what you need - you will get through. find the love inside of you and warm yourself up with it. Replace the knotted chain with creeping vines of flowers. Change your perspective, and your body will respond. Put away the fear and uncertainty - survival is not up to you, but living is. I've only been following your blog for a few months, but I know you're capable of finding beauty in things that others do not. You can do that now, too.
gcgal
[this is good]
You know Lav, I could've just about written those words or very close to them, I feel quite similarly right now....so I wish I could treat us both to a good massage and/or cupcake lol ((hugs)) It might feel overwhelming right now but you will get through this and grow from it.
LaidOutInLavender

"survival is not up to you, but living is"

Ooooh! That is Good! Thank you!

I really needed the pep talk Lara! Thank You SO much! XOXOXO
LaidOutInLavender
I will, you will too. I am going to take a photo walk today and get that cupcake and maybe a nice facial or massage down town. I hope there was a canceled appointment! XO!
gcgal
Good idea....get out in the fresh air...would be a good idea...maybe I should do that tomorrow.
gcgal
Yeah thanks for the reminder, in the past when I've been in a bit of a funk I've gone somewhere near water and sat, and observed, and cleared my head...I love doing that but haven't in a while. Now is a good a time as any (well, when it gets light lol)
LaidOutInLavender
It is a great thing, I have closed myself up in my home now all week, even though the weather has been Fab. I need out for a while, you do too, but not in the dark. Hah!
gcgal
Yep that's right, I've been a homebody mostly this week (apart from yesterday) because it's been so cold. I'll rug up and head out tomorrow I promise.
Cap'n Stephel
*hug* Yes, go get a massage! And get a cupcake while you're out. Even better, eat one while you're being massaged, lol. Make sure it's chocolate. And if you walk in dress shoes there and back, you've just taken care of 3 things. Bring you camera and there's 4%2Pr
Nacwolin
I need many of those things too. That cupcake sounds exceptionally good!
Karen
Great post gf ((((hugs))))

ps: eat 2 cupcakes. :))
Skyrat (Gina)
You have posted some gorgeous flower photos. Your photos relating to your depression and situation certainly give a visual feel for how it is affecting you. Hugs to you.
willothewizp
I can sympathize with the way you feel right now. I have knots in my chest from panic and no matter how much I focus on the positive, I keep losing the happiness. Thank you for this creative expression, it is helping me through my day. We'll make it through with cupcakes and sunshine :)
Waterbaby
I must echo lara's comments. i understand the survival over living too intimately and well myself and i'm not sure it ever goes away. if it does, i've not discovered how that happens. certain kinds of childhood leave wounds or damage that cannot be fully healed. i am not a religious person at all but i have found in the later years that prayer and gratitude work to ease the pain and keep one moving forward. that is my experience and i offer it because i know we both come from fucked-up childhoods involving insane mothering. ;)
Laurel
Your #13 made me #7 :)
LaidOutInLavender
Today here is about 80. Warm. I took my walk today, it felt good.
LaidOutInLavender
I brought my camera and ate a cupcake and went for a walk. ;-) I could never walk 2 miles in those high heels. Haha!
LaidOutInLavender
I got a toasted coconut cupcake, it made me feel better. ;-)
LaidOutInLavender
Thank You Karen, I only ate one cupcake, coconut, and I got a no bake chocolate peanut butter cookie too
LaidOutInLavender
cupcakes should be at the pharmacy, they truly are great medicine. I am sorry to hear you are in the same boat. We will work it out, I hope the skies stay blue
Janette
I hope you can do as many of these things as possible soon! We all need to be gentle with ourselves and engage in "restorative" activities more often than not during our busy, modern lives. Your list could be a great recipe for most of us (especially 7, 8, and 13). And, I'm looking forward to the photographs you end up taking :)
LaidOutInLavender
Waterbaby your words are SO helpful, I thank you SO much! I know you get it, I get too logical about my mood sometimes, I see what is happening now and think I can handle it fine, but do not see the bright red strings attached to this stuff that lead directly to some stuff I stored in those dark closets in my head I have not cleaned out yet. I see so many similarities between SIL an my own mother, I see my child self in my niece. The situation with them should not be too stressful on me, but it is my past that is attached to it that is making me feel anxious. That knowledge seems to help a little, but my physical self does not get the message yet.
LaidOutInLavender
Thank you Lauren! ;-) our comment made me smile too!
LaidOutInLavender
Thank you Janette, I took my walk and had a lovely coconut cupcake. I will check out my photos tonight. Thanks again :-)
none
Good Poem Lav...I have written many and its nice to read someone else's for a change. Creative minds can feel their heart heavy at times...I hope the sunshine and cupcakes lift you up again!

Keep smiling in your heart! :o)
LaidOutInLavender
Thanks, It is not so much a poem but incomplete thoughts that seem to string together, Haha! My heart is trying to smile, but sometimes it just needs to nap.
none
Then I put that under Poetic thoughts...nite nite sweet heart...;-)
Waterbaby
the physical self is the "last to catch up" with our emotional or spiritual knowledge. it is very hard becoming who you are as opposed to who you had to be to survive a childhood of abuse and neglect and sickness, and challenging to establish new responses to the same ol' familiar shit. i know. but you have a good heart and that is your strength. (a supportive partner doesn't hurt. :) )
Karen
[this is good]
Good, you deserve it hon :)) Have one today too. (do I sound like an Italian Mom? LOL)
LaidOutInLavender
;-) Thanks, Nite Nite, sleep tight!
LaidOutInLavender
Thank You. I always love reading your comments on this subject, they always seem to shine a light. Thank You for That! It is crazy how our muscles respond to current things, bringing back the tension of my own young years. Memory is stored everywhere.
LaidOutInLavender
I always wanted an italian mom! Haha! Thanks!
Waterbaby
sure is. great you're aware of that; many aren't.
gcgal
Don't smack me...I didn't manage the walk! :( I ended up staying up all night and then sleeping the day away LOL
LaidOutInLavender
Oh NO! The insomnia.... YUCK! I hate that part! No Smacking will ever come from me, not on purpose anyway. ;-)
LaidOutInLavender
It took me a long time to understand that. I am glad I do now, makes the situations I deal with now seem smaller with that knowledge, that all the knots erupting in my neck and shoulders is not from this particular situation, but from a lifetime of them.
Socceraholic..
i envy you.. :(

you have a rich environment for photography... you have great outdoors..


LaidOutInLavender
and you my young friend have lots of glorious architecture!
gcgal
hahaha I still haven't done the walking! Still having sleep trouble, look at the time, it's currently 3.33am and I'm awake :( The good news is I have to go out in the morning for an appointment so I can't not leave the house.
LaidOutInLavender
I went for a 5 mile bike ride this morning with the husband. My legs are officially jello. Man my fitness level sucks!
gcgal
haha I know that feeling (well I did when I had my bike), I'm looking forward to getting out in the morning...I so need some air in my lungs.
LaidOutInLavender
It really does feel great, and I will sleep really well tonight with that exercise under my belt. I may not be able to walk well tomorrow but I got a good work out! Ha!
gcgal
I hope you do sleep well, some of the best sleeps come this way.
LaidOutInLavender
I ended up taking a 2 hour long nap. Not so helpful for the night time sleep
Cap'n Stephel
Hehe, yay cupcakes! And I would be amused if you did try long distance walking in high heelPr
LaidOutInLavender
Haha, so would all the passers by, thinking "look at that drunk girl in heels and a camera! She just tripped again!"

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LaidOutInLavender
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