LaidOutInLavender’s blog

*These were taken a couple of weeks ago. I was feeling quite depressed and wanted to cheer myself up. I slipped on layers of brightly colored clothes and my trusty polka dot rubber boots (which have sprung a leak somewhere on the right side). Of course if I was going to splash in the puddles outside my home, I had to bring Ruby (my camera) out to play too. I love the sound of my rubber boot slapping upon the smooth puddle surface, and the sound of the displaced water splashing on the pavement around me. It was fun until my sock started getting wet ;-(

I did it though. I got out and moved for 20 minutes or so. I went back inside, swaddled myself in fleece and thick striped socks and laid back on the couch to watch re-runs of law & order (they are always on, that and golden girls but I dont watch them, really I dont, okay maybe once in a while...)

*I wasted several weeks when I should have been making soap for christmas. Now I am rushed, I have been making a batch a day to have them cured in time for christmas. In fact a couple wont be good until two days after christmas. Ooops. Now I cant lay my head on the couch and watch the golden girls Law & Order.

I only have one more batch to go, mint will be made tomorrow. Then I can get all those pots and pans and molds and cooler and oils in the garage again. They are crowding my kitchen.

*It is so cold. Frosty mornings. I want to go take pictures, but it is so cold out there. I have not been taking very many pictures lately. I just have not felt the motivation.

*while bringing in a load of wood for the wood stove I cracked my knee on the door frame. It is so dark blue now. I cursed a blue streak (what exactly is a blue streak?). This happened two days ago and even now it is throbbing. I really smashed it. A few weeks ago I stubbed my toe on one of those strips the put in the doorways to separate carpet from wood floor or in my case wood floor from linoleum (I know it is really vinyl, but I love the word linoleum). Well I managed to stub it so hard that it bruised me under the nail, it looked like it bent the nail back. Strange thing is that I have NO idea how that could even be possible. Seriously, how does one bend a toenail back on something that cannot grab your nail? I cried a little and cursed another blue streak. This happened weeks ago and it is still a little tender.

*Mr. L said he will hook up the Wii tonight. I am excited about this.

*pandora has now played 6 Beatles songs, 4 radiohead, and 3 4 Elliott Smith in the 3 hours it has been on. Now it is playing Linus of Hollywood, I have not heard this since a trip to California to meet my friends baby. I heard the CD several times when I was there, her baby loved it. At the beginning of the trip I planned on buying the CD, near the end of the trip I knew I would not.

*I am going to make an eye appointment soon. My sight has become rather bad lately. It is time for Lavender to get glasses. I want some cool, hip, retro, cat eye style frames. I hope I can find some that fit my personality and style and face.  I also hope the three spots I have been seeing for quite some time are no big deal. one is starting to bother me when I read. I am scared.

*Just got the mail. I hate it when junk mail reads "This is NOT Junk Mail". Liar!

*I think I am going to go heat up some apple cider and cozy up on the couch and watch some golden girls Law & order. My cider addiction is out of control this year. I have gone through several gallons since halloween. It is just the tastiest coziest drink in the world this time of year. I bought myself another gallon last night at the store. It will be gone by tomorrow. I may have a problem.

I think this is hilarious, and I bought myself the shirt
http://rescuemarriage.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/chains_of_love_t-shirt.gif

yuck:
1. did not go grocery shopping last night so I have empty cupboards and fridge, it will be a scavenger hunt for lunch

2. so many piles of laundry to wash

3. kittys have fleas

4. tummy not feeling awesome

5. not a lot of sleep last night

YAY!!!
1. I listened to raindrops hit my windows and roof all night long

2. squirrels leaping across my fence

3. coffee

4. rain

5. big soft ugly sweatshirts

6. ideas for a rainy photoshoot

7. Mr. L laughing at my goofiness

8. weekend plans

9. thursday I do a maternity photoshoot, and I have lights now

10. fire in the fireplace

My To Do List for today:
1. dishes
2. two loads of laundry
3. make laundry soap (have to do that today, I dont have much left!)
4. have fun in the rain
5. research maternity sho

I am feeling lighter today, that is good. My mood is brighter and I feel a little bit of energy glowing deep inside. The sun is out, I think today I will actually get dressed.

Today I will:
walk around town
take pictures
get dishes cleaned
wash some laundry
make a grocery list
breathe

I bought some studio type lights today. I should get them next week. They are not the best out there, but they were the best I could afford. I have some portraits coming up:
1. engagement portraits for sisters sister in law
2. maternity shoot
3. Mr. L's cousins Family (actually 5 families in one)
4. my own family
5. wedding in april

I need the practice. I am excited to possibly start making a few bucks with this hobby. It will take a while before a profit is made since I am still investing in equipment and still not real good at the portraits yet.

My cousin is opening her own salon and wants some of my photos as display (and to sell). I am slowly putting myself out there. That is tough for me. I hate promoting myself, I feel like it makes me sound cocky. Need to get over that.

Today's grateful things:
1. I did something silly today and it made Mr. L laugh and smile all the way to the car when he left for work. That made me feel giddy.
2. the sunshine, it is supposed to be 64 today! Nice!
3. It does not feel like such a strain to smile today, the last few weeks my cheeks felt like they were weights and it makes it so hard to smile.
4. the colors of autumn
5. miss Luna who woke me with her little dance on my shoulder and sweet little mews

Yesterday after I wrote the letter I felt a little bit better, but still heavy and sad. I am feeling so emotional lately. I have been feeling bitter, lethargic, angry, heavy, cranky, sad... you know all the text book feelings that come along with a nice bout of depression. It does help to know that I can't really just decide to not be depressed, it is just a wacky imbalance of chemicals in my brain. That bit helps me to not just indulge the sadness. I just keep plugging away. Anyway, The sun was shining so I forced myself to get dressed and go out for a walk. I strapped Pearl around my neck and locked the front door.

I looked down one side of the sidewalk, then down the other, and went where there were leaves to be crunched under my feet. This was how I made all my direction choices all through town. My head was swirling with what I should have said, if it would have even be heard, thinking of hurtful things said and done. I was not in an awesome place, but I was working it out in my head like I try to do. Talking about it out loud seems to inflame it more, to write about it and ponder it feels safer. I feel like it does not give it the power it needs, it stays quiet and manageable.

Crunching tiny yellow japanese maple eaves under my shoes I noticed someone already had thanksgiving decorations up on the house. One large sign read "Count Your Blessings!" with a very goofy turkey staring me in the eye. I thought "okay Turkey, I will try and switch my train of thought, because I DO have plenty of blessings to count". As I walked another festive home had a thanksgiving flag that read "Be Thankful". By this time my thoughts had grown dark again. I was feeling lonely and wanted to only take pictures of solitude and I was finding none. I Began to think of things I was thankful for, instead of the things I was not grateful for. The sky started turning dark, it was going to rain soon. I started back home.

While I walked I thought how I have lost a little bit of my appetite for photography, lost a little bit of my inspiration. Then when I was almost home, my cell rang, it was designer and he was checking on what color scarf and gloves I wanted. I was happy to hear they would be coming soon. Then when I entered my house I sat at the computer with a cup of hot apple cider and read my emails. My cousin is opening a salon and she wants to sell some of my photos there, and also wants them on her walls. ;-) Love when the universe gives me the nudge to keep going. After chatting with cousin on the phone, I decided to just take a gander at a few blogs that make me smile, like ICHC or Cuteoverload and This one, and what should I find but a photo of a tiny book that you are to list your grateful things in. ;-)


I am grateful for:
*sunshine in the fall
*fresh hot apple cider
*soft bath robe
*hot showers
*homemade leftover split pea soup
*Mr. L
*the kittehs and turtle girl
*silence
*reality (when confronted with one who lives in a world that is not true, reality is good)
*laughter
*art
*tuesdays
*colors
*naps
*people who are willing to listen without analyzing
*goats (yes goats)
*apple fritters
*today

I was so very excited to see the new movie "where the wild things are". I have been anticipating it for months, the previews made it look so magical and beautiful. I was hoping for something to kick start my creativity, uplift my soul and make my heart beat big and juicy make a smile that could not be erased by piles of laundry.
We saw it last night.

It was good, don't get me wrong, just not what I expected. It was one of those kids movies that is not really great for most kids. Not that it was too scary or anything. Just very complex emotions. It was a lot more emotional and melancholy that I had hoped. Here is my take on it.

I think they wanted us to see what it was like inside the head of a child who has ADHD or a mild form of autism. The internal struggle these children face at all times. They know what they are supposed to do and act, but their body is doing something completely different. They have no control at times. I saw a few of the children I cared for at the daycare in Max, and hoped they see the movie. I hoped the parents saw the movie and saw their child in Max as well.

It was a very sad and moody movie. I was on the brink of tears near the end, then a father had to remove his little girl from the theater because she started sobbing so hard she could hardly catch her breath. I lost it then. I felt so bad for the little girl. It was one of those moments like in Bambi, when it is just so sad. The movie was quite heavy.

I think parents should view this before letting a child view it. Some kids may not be able to handle it. Others may feel a connection with Max and be so grateful to have their own struggles up there on the screen, let them know there is nothing wrong with them, they are just not your everyday average kid, and they are not the only ones.

Visually the movie was absolutely stunning, SO beautiful. The sculptures looked like something Andrew Goldsworthy created, the colors are muted and lovely, the monsters look incredible! But it was a very emotionally driven movie. It left me with a different melancholy feeling than I had when I walked in.

I wanted to love the film so much.

Dear Universe,
I know I am in the right place. I want to feel like I am in the right place. I want to feel a sense of calm in where I stand. I want to feel strong and stable. I keep trying to control what only you are able to control leaving me feeling anxious and fearful. I want some mortar to go with my stones. Something solid I can lean on.  Something I know will not go away. As I typed that I saw my lovely husband in my mind, I am ever so thankful you brought him into my life. Is he the mortar? Am I his? Am I qualified to be? It has been so gray all morning and just now there is a bit of sunshine lighting up my back yard. Are you telling me to get out there? Showing me what I need to trust? Sunshine, nature, beauty, you, husband, autumn, my legs, my eye, myself?
So many questions and it seems there are simple answers, can it really be that simple? Just get up and go? Where can I find the energy? Motivation? something to silence the self doubt that is always whispering in my ears? Just ignore it you say? Consider the source?
My doorbell just rang, it was UPS delivering free pillows that came with our mattress. Is it a message from you? Sleep? Dreams? are my answers there or is it just pillows?
I have made a wish list for you, do you work like that? Like Santa Clause? Can I ask things of you and get things in return?
Things I feel I need:
1. calm
2. motivation (it is already there)
3. energy to do
4. organization
5. peace

I know these things cannot happen overnight, I have to initiate them. I need to be an active participant in my life. Is it like Dorothy's ruby slippers? I have had them all along?
Things I want for myself:
1. exercise, a better shaped body. Not for looks, It is more for my Husband (still not for looks). He feels SO good out in nature, out in the woods. I want to give him longer hikes, longer bike rides, longer walks. Nothing superficial. I want to be ale to walk miles into the woods, up long hills without getting winded so quickly. I want this for me too. Nature heals a part of me that I never knew was hurt until I am there surrounded by trees taller than skyscrapers and green so bright you would swear it was electric.
2. For my mind to be able to focus on one thing at a time instead of a swirling mess of thoughts, dreams, fears, doubt, lists, demands, goals, hurdles.. it leaves me feeling quite overwhelmed.
3. Confidence. Will that just come to me?

Things you give me that do not go unnoticed:
1. Husband- the way you bought us together was magical. It made me believe in absolute true love. Thank You.
2. Trees, leaves, mushrooms, mountains, streams, waterfalls, deserts, colors, cloud shapes, raindrops, the smell of nature, oceans... there really is so much, Thank You
3. smiles from strangers, Thank You
4. laughter, Thank You
5. I have enough (monetarily, to ask for more would be selfish) Thank you, this gives me security in a place I never felt as a kid or young adult. I have enough to pay bills, eat. These were things I stressed out about my whole life. Thank You for this bit of security.
6. my creative eye, Thank you, I don't know what I would do without it. It really does make the world a magical place.
7. the ability to forgive the past, and to have learned so much from it too. Thank you.
8. all the subtle messages -Thank You
9. my life, Thank You

Dearest Universe, can you hear me? Are you real? Am I just rambling to myself? The sun is still shining, I will take this as an answer. I will put my polka dot rubber boots on and strap my camera around my neck. Will I find my answers out there?

With Love,
Lavender

I have been feeling so very heavy lately. It has been so difficult watching Mr. Bones die. (Thanks for all the Hugs and Kind words by the way, I know you all understand)
But today, today I saw a picture on one of my contacts photostream on flickr that just smacked me in a great way. It is a simple photo, just a sunrise over green grass and a fence. But it felt like an awakening for me this morning. When I saw it this little voice inside of me said
"Today is a brand new day, I don't have to take the sorrows of yesterday with me today, I can leave them in yesterday"
I have so much stuff to do because I have not done anything for a couple weeks now. I have decided to get it done little by little, get done what I can. Get the smaller things out of the way first. Brush the metaphorical dust off my pants and get up.

Things I hope to get done today:
1. send pictures to make up artist from designer shoot
2. send pictures to friend
3. edit 80's redux and evening glam sections of the vogue fashion show I shot on Friday
4. send them to baby sister
5. pay keith for building the most beautiful cedar fence around our yard and a large arbor for our giant wisteria plant
6. shower
7. three  one load laundry (already did two)
8. make bed
9. do dishes
10. make grocery list
11. all dirty laundry in laundry room

Today is a new day, A fresh start.







(edit- Fixed the link to the picture)

My Dear Sweet Mr. Bones was put to sleep yesterday. He has been getting worse for months. We never thought he would make it this far, heck we never thought he would make it past the first week we had him. He had stopped eating, he began to lose an insane amount of weight. He could not walk well anymore. It was time. I was hoping he would make the choice and I would not have to, but being the incredibly stubborn old man that he was, he just would not give up. It is nice to see this picture of him, when he was fat and his fur was clean and brushed. At his largest he was nearly 14lbs, when we brought him to the vets office yesterday he was a little over 4lbs. How that Kitteh was still walking around the house is beyond me. He was so strong.
He was my couch buddy, for the last 2 years I have not been able to stretch out fully on my couch because I shared it with Mr. Bones, he had half and I had the other, or we would share and he would lay on my leg. Now my couch seems so huge, more than I need.
When I first met Mr. Bones he was a stray cat in our neighborhood, he would come eat some of the food we would leave on our back porch for him and Twilight (goodness I miss her too). Twilight made it inside the house and Mr. Bones stopped showing up. For two years we had Twilight and I wanted to catch Mr. Bones, but he would not allow that. He was a man about town, he did not want to be tied down. I would see less and less of him over the next couple years. One day, after Twilight passed I needed to go out on my newly discovered photowalk. I needed to find beauty and not look at where my sweet kitty would be, see her toys, miss her purrs. As with most of my photowalks, I don't really have a destination, I just go wherever my heart and eyes lead me. That day it lead me to the place where Mr. Bones was dying. He laid in someones garden near the sidewalk. I thought he was already dead. I took a close look and saw his chest move as he breathed (he looked like he did the last few months). I touched him, and he mewed. I kept telling him if he stood up I would bring him home. He struggled, I was there for ten minutes when he stood on shaky legs. I scooped his flea filled body up and brought him home.
He would NOT stay under cover (it was a rainy spring) so I took bits of things around and made him what we called the Bones Shanty. Tarps and blankets, boxes and a table leaf left by the people who lived here before. He Loved his shanty. I gave him several bowls of food that first day, he gobbled them all down. I filled his water so many times that I kept a gallon of water out there near his shanty. My Dad came over and my SIL dropped by, the opinion was the same. He would not make it through the night or the week. I thought so too, but I did not want him to die alone and unloved. We all deserve that.
Week after week went by and he got stronger and stronger. We lured him to the covered patio where we moved his shanty. He was safer there. We brought him to the vet to get tested for aids and leukemia, we did not want him to pass it to Helios. He was free and clear. The Vet told us he was badly abused, his teeth had been kicked in and his bones had been broken and badly fused. This broke my heart. The vet also told us he was deaf. I talked to him all the time, ha! He seemed to listen, or so I thought. I guess the sweet boy was listening to my heart. We took him home and gave him his first bath. He was NOT in love with us then. He had fleas so bad, they were literally killing him. The bathwater looked rusty, it was so thick with dried blood that you could not see the drain in the 5 inches of water. I brushed his fur and cut out the mats. He looked so handsome. We started bringing him inside for little bits of time but he wanted back outside after a while. When Mr. L went outside one day to feed him he noticed a lump on his shoulder that had not been there before. We brought him to the vet and the vet told us it was an abscess. Mr. Bones had to stay overnight to get it fixed. We picked him up the next day and he had a piece of rubber tube coming through his flesh letting the infection drain. We had ear drops for his infected ears and antibiotics for the wound. Mr. L cleaned the wound every morning and every evening. We also bought him a dog igloo to keep him warm at night, he could not sleep indoors because he liked to use that time to pee all over the house, and he also meowed so loud that we would get no sleep. We named the igloo the Bonesloo. He Loved it!
He healed up quickly and he spent more time indoors and only the nights in the garage. He had a hard time jumping, in fact he could not jump at all. His hips were all messed up. So we would pick him up when he wanted up on the couch which was all the time. ;-) He even got to the point where he and Luna (just a kitten) would chase each other through the house. He would do this adorable kind of hopping galloping type of run, he sounded like a little horse running through the house. It made me so happy to see him this active and playful. Luna was also so happy to have a friend to play with since Helios is evil and wants to kill.
We had 2 and a half years with him. All summer he started to decline. The week we had where the temps were into the 100's almost killed him. But he survived. He survived living on the streets for years, he survived starvation, fleas, cat fights, dog fights, raccoon fights, people fights, cars, kids, abscess, infections, Luna, Me (I love to cuddle), Helios... He survived it all.

He is now free from his broken body, his spirit was always so much bigger than that. He was sweet and gentle and loving and beautiful. I never once heard him growl or hiss. He is now a part of everything good, every smile every sunshine ray, everything beautiful, he is a part of it.

I will Always miss him.

Ever since the photoshoot with the designer my excitement for photography has dropped. I went to the fair... meh... took some shots, nothing too exciting, went to mt. rainier again... meh... nothing made me jump for joy that I had pearl around my neck. I put some pictures up at the yoga studio and have been overly critical of my work displayed there. This past weekend I had a photography class. I was not really excited about it, especially when I found out we were going up to mount rainier in the rain... I have been up there twice already this summer and did not know what I could possibly find. My usual friends were not on the class trip with me either. sigh... I was saying how this was going to be my last class. I should have canceled, I did not want to go. Especially in the rain. The last class it was a nightmare, juggling an umbrella, tripod, trying to frame a shot with part of the umbrella covering the shot, changing settings with one finger, the rest holding the camera still, the other hand holding the umbrella and one finger lending support to the camera... ugh. Not fun. Very frustrating.

I hitched a ride with a gal in class, she is super funny so the ride up there was a blast. I was feeling a little better, but not hopeful in seeing anything new as I had been here twice in the last few months. Then we get out on the first stop along the way. Into the woods we followed our passionate teacher. Her enthusiasm was infectious. She spoke to the trees, gave leaves voices, and tree roots were heard. It was still raining, but i started finding things. Mushrooms, moss, patterns and shapes. I started hearing them too. In that rainy forest my flame was ignited again. I did not know it yet. We ate our lunch and wouldn't you know it, the rain stopped. The temperature dropped, but I had 7 layers of clothes on, I was fine. The Mountain was obscured by clouds, but I was okay. Every question that was presented to the teacher was met by an enthusiastic leap in the air and a "Guys, come close, Lavender has a GREAT question!" then she would answer the question AND answer follow up questions that were not even asked. She met every question with a wide smile, and always a clear answer.

Sunday class is a show and tell of sorts, you bring in some of the stuff you have been shooting since the last class to show your progress. Last time I brought in shots my friend kept punching me because the teacher was overjoyed with my eye. She loves the way I see things outside the box, that I experiment and play. She is so encouraging as were a few gals who have been in her classes for years. My shots I chose to bring were picked apart in a good way, showing the class what to keep in mind while shooting. I also brought a few landscapes because I am still not good at those. They are still clumsy and the settings are very different from what they are for my small scenes. I like to isolate subjects from the rest of the scene, but landscape you show everything, you have to have a focal point without isolating it like I do in the small scenes. I just struggle, and she gave helpful criticism to those shots. One she Loved though because she was familiar with the spot and she did not recognize it at all.  It was the campground of my childhood, taken a few months back in eastern washington. It was a place I hated as a kid, hot and dirty, and with my mother. It reminds me of her, and that was bothersome to me. Maybe it was that feeling she picked up in the shot instead of seeing a place she has been several times before through her joy filled eyes, she saw my contempt for this place, the bad memories imprinted on the subject. Or maybe it was taking in such an amateur way that she did not see it because of my sloppy shooting skills. ;-)

After class I felt energized and new. I feel like I am feeling better, like my passion for photography got sick, and it just needed some medicine provided by my teacher. Although, I do feel like my body may be coming down with something.. haha! I have three folders of pictures on my computer that need to be gone through and edited. I have been putting it off for weeks. I am going to o it today. ;-)